Here Goes Nothing!

I have never really started a blog on my own before so here goes nothing. Today is Monday January 28, 2013. While trying to decide if I should do a blog about infertility, the MTV show "16 and pregnant" came on. Here was this teenage girl giving birth to her baby while the teenage dad was yelling at her the whole time. She said she wasn't ready to be a mom and he definitely wasn't ready to be a dad. Tears began to stream down my face as I realized the thousands of couples (including me) that would give anything to have a baby!!  So here goes nothing.

As I mentioned earlier we have two beautiful, healthy vivacious children. Getting pregnant for us was very, very easy. Looking back on when I could have children I was quite self absorbed. I wanted to have all my kids before I turned thirty so that I could have my body back. I know, I know, I was vain and foolish. I wanted my kids to be close together. I wanted them all in diapers at the same time, all into the same toys, and all to be the best of friends. My mom always said that the best thing you could ever give your children was siblings. So I had Ely in 2008, Jace in 2009, and was expecting my third child in 2010. Thats when we found out the worst news a parent could ever hear, which was that my beautiful baby inside me would not live outside my womb. I cried and screamed for days; in fact my eyes were so swollen from crying that I had to wear sun glasses just to see. After much prayer, fasting and doctor's opinions our baby was born on a beautiful sunny September fall day. Although he had passed on, I was such a proud mama and wanted everyone to hold this new Child of God. It was love at first sight!
The next morning, while my cousin was getting me dressed to leave the hospital, I grabbed my chest and collapsed on the bed. Everyone knows what happened next so ill just briefly touch on it. They life-flighted me to IMC hospital where they put in an IVC filter, did exploratory surgery, my heart crashed for 90 minutes +, open heart surgery was performed, double pulmonary embolectomy, emergency hysterectomy and full memory of waking up in surgery and in more pain that I could ever imagine possible. If anyone was to imagine what hell was like, well I think that would be it.

The first six months I was so happy to be alive and to be among the living. Then it hit me. It was mid- April and we were having a birthday party for my mom. All of a sudden my cousin stood up and announced that she was pregnant with twins! Just then the room was spinning 90 miles around me. I found myself back in the operating room waking up in surgery and in excruciating pain. I was screaming and begging the doctors to knock me out but realizing that I was paralyzed and that no one could hear me. I gasped for air, and for the first time since I died, I realized that I could not have any more children. Again, pain overwhelmed my body and I had to hurry and ran out of the room. I barely made it to the bathroom before I started dry heaving. "I had a h y s t e r e c t o m y" I can't have any more babies. These words kept horrifically repeating over and over in my mind.  It was as if I were frozen for the last six months and now I was thawing out and becoming aware of what not having a uterus really meant. NOOOOOO, God please no please, please, please. I'm not sure why but I was pleading with God... I guess I wanted Him to give me a second chance, to please let me have my uterus back.  I wont take it for granted this time! Oh please, please let me be able to carry more babies, please. All I want is to be a mother and to have more children. Im not sure how long this went on but when I got my senses about I was in a puddle of tears on the bathroom floor of some restaurant.