Kim's Daily Shot

Every day Kim has to have a progesterone shot. I like to call it the "peanut butter" shot because it's like pushing peanut butter into her muscle. The needle is an inch and a half long and very thick....OUCH!!

Kim is amazing!! She does this selflessly everyday along with taking other medications and injections.

I love and appreciate you so much Kimmi, I just wanted you to know that!! 

Frozen Embryo Transfer

February 2012-August 2012

Frozen Embryo Transfer

Nikki was a breath of fresh air. She amazed me from the get go. She was a 24-year-old single mother of two cute boys. She had a rough life and found herself pregnant at the age of 17.  To make a long story short she, for lack of a better word, found Jesus and changed her life completely around. At the young age of about 20 she wrote on her Facebook that she always wanted to be a surrogate for someone. I was so impressed by this. Who in the world, especially at the age of 20 would be selfless enough to want to have a baby for someone else? Nikki that’s who!!

We had to start all over again with IVF. However, I was so grateful that we had the opportunity to begin again. We made an appointment with the clinic and began to prepare to start another IVF cycle. It took four long months to prepare but by June of 2012 we were able to do a frozen embryo transfer. We didn’t want to take the risk of having twins again so we only transferred one embryo. With a frozen embryo the percentage of it actually taking is about 50%, give or take, rather than the 80% with a fresh cycle. I was depressed with having a smaller chance of the frozen embryo to work but knew it was Gods will.

Sadly enough the frozen embryo did not take. I was crushed and locked myself in my room for about three days. Was this healthily you ask…not so much…. I would not recommend it. I felt hopeless and sunk into an even deeper depression that I already was in.

It had just been over a year and a half since I horrifically died. Almost every night I would have nightmares of my death and now my nightmares were getting worse. Now it included the death of my babies.  Many of my family members including Jay said that I needed to get help and see a counselor. I was to prideful to take any antidepressant and thought all counselors were crocks (No offence Shea). I’m fine I would say, but looking back on it, I clearly was not.

I finally went and talked with my amazing bishop just to tell him that I was not doing good and what had been happening in my life. He was very sympatric and suggested that I seek professional help. He said that he thought that the right baby was out there for me but I needed to get better first. So I started seeing a therapist (Shea) and went on an antidepressant. I would do anything to have another baby and if that meant that I needed to get help first, then so be it.

Of course I would stop at anything and we tried another frozen embryo transfer in July. I tried to keep up my spirits while I was with Nikki. I did not want her to worry or be stressed at all and carried on as if everything was normal.

We were in Jackson Hole on a family trip when the clinic called and said that the transfer had taken and Nikki was pregnant. I was shocked and thrilled.  We were once again pregnant and expecting a baby In March of 2013. When we got back from our trip we went into the clinic and had our first six-week ultrasound.

My heart was full of pure joy when we saw our little baby for the first time and his little heart beating away. How could something so small have a heartbeat? My eyes began to water to think of this miracle that my Heavenly Father had blessed us with once again. It was a dream comes true. The best part was that my cousin Bunny and my cousin’s wife Shelby were pregnant as well and we were all due March of 2013.  It was like a dream come true and it was so fun being pregnant all together!!

Sadly, this happiness did not last long and once again things went from bad to worse. In the middle of August of 2012 we heard the horrible news that Bunny’s baby had miscarried. This was her second miscarriage in a row. She was about ten weeks along and was heart broken as we all were.

August 28, 2012

Today, we (Jay, myself, Nikki and her two boys) car-pooled down to the Utah Fertility Clinic to have our ten-week ultrasound. As we went back to the exam room I must have had a look on my face because Marray asked me how I felt. I said I was really nervous and she said that she could tell. Something just didn’t feel right.

Dr. Foulk performed the ultrasound. There in black and white was our cute little bundle of joy. We looked at the ultrasound, looked at the ultrasound and looked at the ultrasound again and then then Jay fainted. Yes, you heard me right Jay fainted. Which is kind of funny but not really. As he fainted I had a flash back of when I was at the hospital in labor with baby Cord. It was around 3:00 in the morning and the nurses were checking me to see how dilated I was. As they were checking me, a lot of blood and blood clots were coming out. Jay was holding my leg, took one glance at all the red blood and fainted right onto my mom who was asleep on the air mattress. Again I have to laugh just thinking of Jay fainting on top of my mother, but they said I just starred at the wall and whispered, “Are you ok baby”. I was in so much pain I could barely talk.

As Jay fainted in the clinics exam room, I knew that this was not good and it wasn’t. Our little baby did not have a heart beat. It has passed away around 8 1/2 weeks.

So, there I was sobbing as I knelt down on the floor to hold Jay’s hand (while he was unconscious) and also was reaching up to hold Nikki’s hand. They ran to get Jay (who was still on the ground) some water. As he drank it he spit it out and said that it was salt water. He had hit his head on the chair as he fainted but I didn’t think he had hit it that hard.  Everyone thought he was crazy until Dr. Foulk tasted it and spit it out as well and said that it was salt water. I guess when the nurses asked for a cup of water, when Jay fainted, they thought they were doing an ultrasound that required the patient to somehow have salt water. Looking back on it I have to laugh. I mean here Jay faints, yet again, and now he is saying he is drinking salt water. It was quiet comical. But then reality hit. And that reality was that our precious little baby had no heartbeat and had passed away. I was beyond devastated and uncontrollably crying!

Finding another Gestational Carrier

January 2012

After McKay’s death I could not pull myself out of this deep depression that I found myself in. I became obsessed with having another baby. Since Kim almost died with McKay she did not want to be our surrogate again. I could not blame her. She had done so much for us and was physically, emotionally and spiritually drained.

I wanted another baby so bad, yes to the point of obsession. So I sent out a vast email to everyone that I knew to see to if they would be interested in being our gestational carrier.

Just to clarify, a gestational carrier is sort of like a baby sitter. The baby is our biological baby, and Kim’s uterus is our baby’s home for the next nine months. A surrogate on the other hand is usually the surrogate’s egg or a donor’s egg and then the husband’s sperm. This would mean that the baby would not have any of my DNA.

Also, to clarify, if we had to use a Gestational Carrier Agency it would be a least $100,000.00 just to hire someone to carry our baby. This doesn’t include the $25,000 for the Attain program. This program states that if you pay up front for two and a half IVF cycles ($25,000) then you get six tries at IVF, three fresh cycles and three frozen cycles. The attain program does not include the 3 to 4 thousand dollars for the infertility meds. It doesn’t include the 500 plus for the egg retrieval surgery. It doesn’t include the $1750.00 for the initial freezing of the embryos and it doesn’t include the $3000 dollars to be able to freeze them for a year.

It is a very expensive and stressful and grueling process, but like I said I would do anything just to have another baby.

Some of you might think why don’t we just adopt. Well, we are trying to adopt through LDS family services. It has been almost two years and a few close call yet no baby L. If we were to do a private adoption agency, it would be $12,000 non refundable for the agency just to represent us. Private adoptions now days are around $60,000 to $80,000 dollars. How can any normal family afford this?!!

Since we did not have a couple hundred thousand dollars to spend, I tried to find a gestational carrier on my own. I sent out a vast email, to all my friends to see if by chance they would want to be our gestational carrier or if they knew of someone who would. Jazzy, one of my best friends said that she new a couple of girls that would be interested in having our baby. I was so excited and contacted them right away. Sadly however it did not work out with them. Time to move to plan B. I begged, and pleaded with Jay to send out an email to see if any of his friends would be willing to carry our baby. Jay was not ready to go through the whole IVF process again and said he didn’t want to send out the email. He was still in mourning of our twins. I was too, but I was obsessed and if I get my mind on something I will not stop until I get it. So for the next few weeks of begging and pleading with Jay, he finally gave in and sent out an email to all of his friends to see if they or they knew of anyone that would want to be our gestational carrier. Within a couple of days one of Jay’s friends wrote back and said that he had a friend that has always wanted to be a gestational carrier. I was ecstatic, happy, thrilled and overwhelmed with excitement. It was if we had just found a needle in a haystack. I could not wait to meet her and talk to her to see if she really wanted to go through with this. We set up a meeting to meet at Chick-fil-A in Riverdale. It was as if we were going on a blind date. Its not every day you go and meet a perfect stranger and say, “Hey, you don’t know us but would you be willing to carry our baby”? I was scared, excited, nervous, and anxious.

So we went to Chick-fil-A on a Saturday and in walked Nikki…!!  J

Yay!!!!!!!

Yay!!!! Kim's blood test today was suppose to be over 1,000 and the blood test was 3,000. We are so excited and pray that that means the baby is healthy. Thank you for all your prayers and thoughts!!!!

Blood Test #2, Happy Valentines day

I just had to share this picture of Kim. Look how beautiful she is. Love you Kimmi!!

Kim goes in for her 20 day HCG blood test tomorrow. I believe it has to be over 1000. Please say a little prayer that she passes the test! :)

Their Mission In Life Was Not An Earthly One But a Heavenly one

Their mission in life was not an earthly one but a heavenly one

December 18, 2011

Today is the twins’ 20-week ultrasound at Dr. Terry’s office. Jay, Kim and I could not wait to see our babies on the monitor again. How could just a simple ultrasound make you fall in love so fast? One little wand on the tummy and there they were. The babies looked like they were on two little bunk beds. Baby A was very active and moving, turning, twirling, doing summersaults, and kicking his brother who was on the top bunk (on top of baby A). Baby B would be sleeping and sucking his thumb and then occasionally get mad at his brother for distrusting his sleep and then he (baby B) would kick back, roll over and go back to sleep. It was pure joy watching them play and move in Kim’s tummy. We got tons of pictures and video of the ultrasound. Right then life couldn’t get any better. I had the gospel. I married the love of my life. We have two amazing and beautiful children and we were expecting twin boys. Nope, life was pretty perfect. And then it all went down hill!

December 20, 2011

I was at work when I received the dreaded phone call. It was Kim. She was frantically crying and she said that she thought that her WATER BROKE. I screamed and yelled for my dad (who I work for) and screamed, Kim’s, water broke!!! Kim’s water broke!!!! I was still screaming and crying. My dad told me to go pick Kim up at her apartment and take her to the IMC. I jumped in the car and headed down 7^th east. I can’t remember how fast I was going (I’m guessing. Really fast), when a cop pulled me over. “I had no time for this.” I have to get my sister to the hospital”. The cop came to the window and I was a wreck!! I tried to tell him what was happening through my endless tears and screams. The cop told me he could not let me drive until I calmed down. I somehow managed to calm down and He escorted me to my sister’s apartment.

When I got there Kim was already outside waiting for me. She was a wreck as well.  The cop left (thanks a heap for escorting us to the hospital. Mr. cop….grr) and we rushed to the IMC. We were put in a room and waited, waited and waited some more. We were sobbing fearing for the worst. Kim was only 20weeks pregnant, which as you know is way too soon to have a baby. Word got out and within minutes my family all came to the hospital. It was a little awkward having them there since I had a break down and pretty much F’ed them all off when I found out about baby B and wasn’t talking to them. But I wasn’t thinking about that, all I was thinking about were my precious little baby boys.

Finally the Dr. came in and gave us the bad news. Yes, baby A’s water had broke. Inside I wanted to die but I had to be strong for Kim. I held her hand and said, “It’s going to be ok” “It wasn’t your fault” “It just happened”. However, I don’t think she heard me through her screaming and tears. The doctors said that there wasn’t anything they could do. They told her to go on strict bed rest and only get up to shower and use the bathroom. They said if she went into labor or got an infection they would have to take the babies. After the doctors left, there were about 20 family members still in the room; my uncle (Arch) said that no one is leaving until the air is cleared. I began to sorrowfully and tearfully apologize for the way that I had treated them and that I was so sorry and I loved them more than anything. You could feel the spirit so strong in the room. I knew the babies were there in spirit. Then all the family began to say their apologies and the air was finally cleared. Arch, asked if there was anything else that needed to be said. There was a long silence. My heart was about to beat out of my chest. Yes, I have something to say. I looked at Kim and began to tell her the story of when we went to the temple to pray about having more children. I told her that I felt good about adoption and Jay felt good about IVF. The only thing about IVF that I felt good about was that Kim, my sister, was going to do it for us. You see Kim started not to believe in the church and didn’t think it was true anymore. She had distanced herself from the family and even from me. So that day in the temple I never thought that IVF would work but somehow I felt that by Kim going through this IVF process some how some way it was going to bring my sweet, amazing, outgoing, fun, spiritual sister back to me. As I told her and the rest of my family this in the hospital not a single eye was dry, even mine. If it meant that I had to loose my twins to get me sister back then that was the price I was tearfully willing to make.

I believe that when Kim and I were in the pre-existence, we made a packed with each other. She told me that she was going to loose her way for a while but I told her somehow, someway I would help bring her back to the fold.

Since it was Christmas time Kim wanted to stay at my Aunt Trudy’s house. My aunt was nice enough to let her and her boys stay there. Every Christmas all 60 plus of us get together and play games, eat, watch movies, eat some more and etc. I got Kim a hospital bed and made everyone that came into the house use Avagard and wear masks, to prevent Kim getting sick or getting an infection.

Here are some pictures of us wearing our masks:

December 27, 2011

One week after Kim’s water had broken, Jay received a frantic phone call at 4:00am saying that Kim had delivered baby A at Trudy’s house and that they were taking her by Ambulance to the hospital. (Unfortunately it was alta view…”ahhh nooo anywhere but there”)!!!!

I jolted out of bed grabbed the keys and drove from North Salt Lake to Sandy. I was probably driving 90 miles an hour.

“No, No, No, not again, not my baby, please god, no, not another one, please it’s too soon”.  And with that I drove even faster!!

As I frantically ran into Kim’s hospital room, I was too late, baby A had had just passed away. My heat was broken. I ran to Kim’s bedside to make sure she was ok and then they handed me my baby boy. Tears began to flow down my checks as I first got a glimpse his lifeless body peacefully lying there. He was perfect, he was beautiful, he was my little angel boy. I cried and I cried as I swaddled him and rocked him. I whispered in his ear how sorry I was that I did not get their sooner and that his mommy loved him very very much. “Please, please, don’t go”, as I pleaded with him as if my pleading could change the situation. I sank my head into his blanket and sobbed .

The hospital staff began to hook Kim up to deliver baby B. We all freaked out because baby B’s water had not broken and he was still alive and healthy. We begged them to stop and to transfer us to the IMC. Thankfully they agreed (or just wanted to get rid of us) and allowed me, and the baby to go with Kim in the ambulance.

When we got to the IMC , Jay met us there along with our doctor. Dr. Terry said that he would put in a Cervical cerclage, which is the placement of stitches in the cervix to hold it closed. This procedure is used to keep a weak cervix closed. Hopefully this would prevent baby B from slipping out. They said if Kim didn’t go into labor and if she didn’t get an infection then the baby would have a chance at making it at 24 weeks. As Kim was in surgery all of our family had arrived at the hospital. I was such a proud mama and was passing our little angel around so that the family could hold this child of god.

Kim came back from surgery and was in a lot of pain. “Please, just get her out of pain”, I said and luckily they gave her pain medicine and she quickly fell asleep. I sat in the rocking chair in her hospital room and began rooking our baby back and forth. “He needs a name I said”. Jay said that we should name him after Kim. I thought that was a great idea…but what? Jay mentioned something like Kimmer. Agh, and then it hit me. Kimball, his name is Kimball. As I said the name everyone began to cry and thought that was a perfect name for our perfect baby. I was so emotionally drained and tired that I got in Kim’s hospital bed and there we laid, Kim, Myself, and our sweet angel Kimball.

The next morning they had to take Kimball to the mortuary because we were going to have a funeral for him. Before he went we dressed him in his burial clothes, kissed him and said our last goodbyes. And just like that he was gone. I went into the other room so Kim could not see me and I lost it.

Here are some pictures at the hospital of Kimball:

The funeral was held three days later on December 30, 2011. Everyone was there but Kim. Thankfully this time they kept Kim at the hospital. 

My Uncle Lew had made the most beautiful casket spray that I had ever seen. It was so angelic; it was perfect for our little angel. Everyone else brought red balloons because of course that would have been Kimball’s favorite color. Not to mention he would have been a big Utes fan…Lol I sorrowfully sobbed through the whole ceremony. “Parent’s should not have to burry their children”, I kept saying this to myself. This was our second time burring one of our babies in less than a year. When it was over everybody put flowers on the casket and let go of all the red balloons. It was a sad but beautiful sight.

Here are some pictures of the funeral: later to come

After the funeral we made sure that someone was with Kim at all times in the hospital. Every one was so giving and caring. You should have seen her hospital room; it was covered with all sorts of goodies, such as, blankets, movies, cookies, Jazzy’s amazing brownies, flowers, cards, balloons, etc.

The game plan was to get Kim to 24 weeks and then baby B could have a chance at surviving. However, if she went into labor or got an infection they would have to deliver the baby.

It was New Year’s Eve and probably the worst New Years Eve I can ever remember. We were at the hospital taking our turn to be with Kim. We played games watched movies, anything to take our minds of the situation. Kim would periodically go into labor but they were able to give her medicine to stop it.

January 8, 2011

It was a Sunday night and Jay had gone to the hospital to pick up Kim’s boys and bring them to our house because we were watching them while Kim was in the hospital. However, when Jay arrived Kim was not doing well. Jay phoned me and told me that I better come to the hospital that they were taking Kim down to run some tests. I dropped the phone and dropped to my knees and pleaded again with god to please that this baby live. When I got the hospital thing went from bad to worse. Kim temp spiked and they said that they had to hurry and remove the cerclage. I once again had to be strong for Kim. I ran to her side and started stoking her hair and said that everything was going to be ok. I got dressed in hospital clothes and went into the surgery with her. The whole time they were removing the cerclage I held Kim’s hand and sang to her softly in her ear. By this time it was around 1:00am on January 9,2012 and baby B was almost 24 weeks along. The doctors said that there was a massive infection and that it had gone to the baby and that they could not save him. The infection was so bad that it had gone into Kim’s blood stream. Now it was serious. The doctors said that they had to get the baby out now and that they were going to put her on cytotec to induce labor. We screamed and pleaded with them not to use cytotec (which was the medicine they used on me to put me in labor, with baby Cord, and caused my death)! The Doctors said that she had ten minutes to have the baby on her own or they were going to use cytotec. We all began to pray and plead with heavenly father to let her have this baby now. And just a few minutes later our prayers were answered and she was able to deliver Baby B (which we named McKay) on her own. As he was born he let our a little cry and started to move.

“He’s alive, he’s alive, can’t you do anything to save him, please, please”, as I pleaded with the doctor. But there was nothing they could do. As soon as he was born they whisked Kim away and took her to the ICU.

The nurses weighed and measured McKay swaddled him up and handed him to Jay and I. With Kim gone I was finally able to break down and cry as I sat there and rocked and sang lullaby’s to our sweet little McKay. The next few hours where tortuous. I prayed to Heavenly Father, “Please don’t let him be in pain”.  Jay and I were able to take McKay to Kim’s ICU room. Kim was pretty out of it, but she was able to hold McKay for a few short minutes. Then once again I sat in the rocking chair and sang to my sweet McKay. Every 20 minutes or so the nurses would come in and check to see if he still had a heartbeat. This was horrible to watch. Every time they came in I thought, “Is this going to be the time that they say that he has passed on”? McKay lived for a couple of hours and then passed away very peacefully. I could not let him go. I made a bed on the couch in Kim’s room and snuggled up to my angel baby boy and slept with him all morning.

Kim thankfully was in the ICU for about six hours and then she was well enough to go up to her regular room. We took the day to swaddle, cradled, sing, rock and shower him with endless kisses and tears. And then once again the mortuary came and took him to get him ready for his funeral. I couldn’t bare the thought of doing another funeral but I couldn’t give baby Cord, and Kimball a funeral and not McKay. So a week later we had McKay’s funeral. Once again my uncle Lew made the most beautiful casket spray. It was breathtaking and so perfect. However, instead of 60+ people there I only had Jay, Kim, our parents and myself. It again was a beautiful ceremony and at the end we put flowers on the casket and let balloons go. After McKay died I fell into a major depression that I could not pull myself out of.

Here are some pictures of McKay and his Funeral: