Their Mission In Life Was Not An Earthly One But a Heavenly one

Their mission in life was not an earthly one but a heavenly one

December 18, 2011

Today is the twins’ 20-week ultrasound at Dr. Terry’s office. Jay, Kim and I could not wait to see our babies on the monitor again. How could just a simple ultrasound make you fall in love so fast? One little wand on the tummy and there they were. The babies looked like they were on two little bunk beds. Baby A was very active and moving, turning, twirling, doing summersaults, and kicking his brother who was on the top bunk (on top of baby A). Baby B would be sleeping and sucking his thumb and then occasionally get mad at his brother for distrusting his sleep and then he (baby B) would kick back, roll over and go back to sleep. It was pure joy watching them play and move in Kim’s tummy. We got tons of pictures and video of the ultrasound. Right then life couldn’t get any better. I had the gospel. I married the love of my life. We have two amazing and beautiful children and we were expecting twin boys. Nope, life was pretty perfect. And then it all went down hill!

December 20, 2011

I was at work when I received the dreaded phone call. It was Kim. She was frantically crying and she said that she thought that her WATER BROKE. I screamed and yelled for my dad (who I work for) and screamed, Kim’s, water broke!!! Kim’s water broke!!!! I was still screaming and crying. My dad told me to go pick Kim up at her apartment and take her to the IMC. I jumped in the car and headed down 7^th east. I can’t remember how fast I was going (I’m guessing. Really fast), when a cop pulled me over. “I had no time for this.” I have to get my sister to the hospital”. The cop came to the window and I was a wreck!! I tried to tell him what was happening through my endless tears and screams. The cop told me he could not let me drive until I calmed down. I somehow managed to calm down and He escorted me to my sister’s apartment.

When I got there Kim was already outside waiting for me. She was a wreck as well.  The cop left (thanks a heap for escorting us to the hospital. Mr. cop….grr) and we rushed to the IMC. We were put in a room and waited, waited and waited some more. We were sobbing fearing for the worst. Kim was only 20weeks pregnant, which as you know is way too soon to have a baby. Word got out and within minutes my family all came to the hospital. It was a little awkward having them there since I had a break down and pretty much F’ed them all off when I found out about baby B and wasn’t talking to them. But I wasn’t thinking about that, all I was thinking about were my precious little baby boys.

Finally the Dr. came in and gave us the bad news. Yes, baby A’s water had broke. Inside I wanted to die but I had to be strong for Kim. I held her hand and said, “It’s going to be ok” “It wasn’t your fault” “It just happened”. However, I don’t think she heard me through her screaming and tears. The doctors said that there wasn’t anything they could do. They told her to go on strict bed rest and only get up to shower and use the bathroom. They said if she went into labor or got an infection they would have to take the babies. After the doctors left, there were about 20 family members still in the room; my uncle (Arch) said that no one is leaving until the air is cleared. I began to sorrowfully and tearfully apologize for the way that I had treated them and that I was so sorry and I loved them more than anything. You could feel the spirit so strong in the room. I knew the babies were there in spirit. Then all the family began to say their apologies and the air was finally cleared. Arch, asked if there was anything else that needed to be said. There was a long silence. My heart was about to beat out of my chest. Yes, I have something to say. I looked at Kim and began to tell her the story of when we went to the temple to pray about having more children. I told her that I felt good about adoption and Jay felt good about IVF. The only thing about IVF that I felt good about was that Kim, my sister, was going to do it for us. You see Kim started not to believe in the church and didn’t think it was true anymore. She had distanced herself from the family and even from me. So that day in the temple I never thought that IVF would work but somehow I felt that by Kim going through this IVF process some how some way it was going to bring my sweet, amazing, outgoing, fun, spiritual sister back to me. As I told her and the rest of my family this in the hospital not a single eye was dry, even mine. If it meant that I had to loose my twins to get me sister back then that was the price I was tearfully willing to make.

I believe that when Kim and I were in the pre-existence, we made a packed with each other. She told me that she was going to loose her way for a while but I told her somehow, someway I would help bring her back to the fold.

Since it was Christmas time Kim wanted to stay at my Aunt Trudy’s house. My aunt was nice enough to let her and her boys stay there. Every Christmas all 60 plus of us get together and play games, eat, watch movies, eat some more and etc. I got Kim a hospital bed and made everyone that came into the house use Avagard and wear masks, to prevent Kim getting sick or getting an infection.

Here are some pictures of us wearing our masks:

December 27, 2011

One week after Kim’s water had broken, Jay received a frantic phone call at 4:00am saying that Kim had delivered baby A at Trudy’s house and that they were taking her by Ambulance to the hospital. (Unfortunately it was alta view…”ahhh nooo anywhere but there”)!!!!

I jolted out of bed grabbed the keys and drove from North Salt Lake to Sandy. I was probably driving 90 miles an hour.

“No, No, No, not again, not my baby, please god, no, not another one, please it’s too soon”.  And with that I drove even faster!!

As I frantically ran into Kim’s hospital room, I was too late, baby A had had just passed away. My heat was broken. I ran to Kim’s bedside to make sure she was ok and then they handed me my baby boy. Tears began to flow down my checks as I first got a glimpse his lifeless body peacefully lying there. He was perfect, he was beautiful, he was my little angel boy. I cried and I cried as I swaddled him and rocked him. I whispered in his ear how sorry I was that I did not get their sooner and that his mommy loved him very very much. “Please, please, don’t go”, as I pleaded with him as if my pleading could change the situation. I sank my head into his blanket and sobbed .

The hospital staff began to hook Kim up to deliver baby B. We all freaked out because baby B’s water had not broken and he was still alive and healthy. We begged them to stop and to transfer us to the IMC. Thankfully they agreed (or just wanted to get rid of us) and allowed me, and the baby to go with Kim in the ambulance.

When we got to the IMC , Jay met us there along with our doctor. Dr. Terry said that he would put in a Cervical cerclage, which is the placement of stitches in the cervix to hold it closed. This procedure is used to keep a weak cervix closed. Hopefully this would prevent baby B from slipping out. They said if Kim didn’t go into labor and if she didn’t get an infection then the baby would have a chance at making it at 24 weeks. As Kim was in surgery all of our family had arrived at the hospital. I was such a proud mama and was passing our little angel around so that the family could hold this child of god.

Kim came back from surgery and was in a lot of pain. “Please, just get her out of pain”, I said and luckily they gave her pain medicine and she quickly fell asleep. I sat in the rocking chair in her hospital room and began rooking our baby back and forth. “He needs a name I said”. Jay said that we should name him after Kim. I thought that was a great idea…but what? Jay mentioned something like Kimmer. Agh, and then it hit me. Kimball, his name is Kimball. As I said the name everyone began to cry and thought that was a perfect name for our perfect baby. I was so emotionally drained and tired that I got in Kim’s hospital bed and there we laid, Kim, Myself, and our sweet angel Kimball.

The next morning they had to take Kimball to the mortuary because we were going to have a funeral for him. Before he went we dressed him in his burial clothes, kissed him and said our last goodbyes. And just like that he was gone. I went into the other room so Kim could not see me and I lost it.

Here are some pictures at the hospital of Kimball:

The funeral was held three days later on December 30, 2011. Everyone was there but Kim. Thankfully this time they kept Kim at the hospital. 

My Uncle Lew had made the most beautiful casket spray that I had ever seen. It was so angelic; it was perfect for our little angel. Everyone else brought red balloons because of course that would have been Kimball’s favorite color. Not to mention he would have been a big Utes fan…Lol I sorrowfully sobbed through the whole ceremony. “Parent’s should not have to burry their children”, I kept saying this to myself. This was our second time burring one of our babies in less than a year. When it was over everybody put flowers on the casket and let go of all the red balloons. It was a sad but beautiful sight.

Here are some pictures of the funeral: later to come

After the funeral we made sure that someone was with Kim at all times in the hospital. Every one was so giving and caring. You should have seen her hospital room; it was covered with all sorts of goodies, such as, blankets, movies, cookies, Jazzy’s amazing brownies, flowers, cards, balloons, etc.

The game plan was to get Kim to 24 weeks and then baby B could have a chance at surviving. However, if she went into labor or got an infection they would have to deliver the baby.

It was New Year’s Eve and probably the worst New Years Eve I can ever remember. We were at the hospital taking our turn to be with Kim. We played games watched movies, anything to take our minds of the situation. Kim would periodically go into labor but they were able to give her medicine to stop it.

January 8, 2011

It was a Sunday night and Jay had gone to the hospital to pick up Kim’s boys and bring them to our house because we were watching them while Kim was in the hospital. However, when Jay arrived Kim was not doing well. Jay phoned me and told me that I better come to the hospital that they were taking Kim down to run some tests. I dropped the phone and dropped to my knees and pleaded again with god to please that this baby live. When I got the hospital thing went from bad to worse. Kim temp spiked and they said that they had to hurry and remove the cerclage. I once again had to be strong for Kim. I ran to her side and started stoking her hair and said that everything was going to be ok. I got dressed in hospital clothes and went into the surgery with her. The whole time they were removing the cerclage I held Kim’s hand and sang to her softly in her ear. By this time it was around 1:00am on January 9,2012 and baby B was almost 24 weeks along. The doctors said that there was a massive infection and that it had gone to the baby and that they could not save him. The infection was so bad that it had gone into Kim’s blood stream. Now it was serious. The doctors said that they had to get the baby out now and that they were going to put her on cytotec to induce labor. We screamed and pleaded with them not to use cytotec (which was the medicine they used on me to put me in labor, with baby Cord, and caused my death)! The Doctors said that she had ten minutes to have the baby on her own or they were going to use cytotec. We all began to pray and plead with heavenly father to let her have this baby now. And just a few minutes later our prayers were answered and she was able to deliver Baby B (which we named McKay) on her own. As he was born he let our a little cry and started to move.

“He’s alive, he’s alive, can’t you do anything to save him, please, please”, as I pleaded with the doctor. But there was nothing they could do. As soon as he was born they whisked Kim away and took her to the ICU.

The nurses weighed and measured McKay swaddled him up and handed him to Jay and I. With Kim gone I was finally able to break down and cry as I sat there and rocked and sang lullaby’s to our sweet little McKay. The next few hours where tortuous. I prayed to Heavenly Father, “Please don’t let him be in pain”.  Jay and I were able to take McKay to Kim’s ICU room. Kim was pretty out of it, but she was able to hold McKay for a few short minutes. Then once again I sat in the rocking chair and sang to my sweet McKay. Every 20 minutes or so the nurses would come in and check to see if he still had a heartbeat. This was horrible to watch. Every time they came in I thought, “Is this going to be the time that they say that he has passed on”? McKay lived for a couple of hours and then passed away very peacefully. I could not let him go. I made a bed on the couch in Kim’s room and snuggled up to my angel baby boy and slept with him all morning.

Kim thankfully was in the ICU for about six hours and then she was well enough to go up to her regular room. We took the day to swaddle, cradled, sing, rock and shower him with endless kisses and tears. And then once again the mortuary came and took him to get him ready for his funeral. I couldn’t bare the thought of doing another funeral but I couldn’t give baby Cord, and Kimball a funeral and not McKay. So a week later we had McKay’s funeral. Once again my uncle Lew made the most beautiful casket spray. It was breathtaking and so perfect. However, instead of 60+ people there I only had Jay, Kim, our parents and myself. It again was a beautiful ceremony and at the end we put flowers on the casket and let balloons go. After McKay died I fell into a major depression that I could not pull myself out of.

Here are some pictures of McKay and his Funeral: