My Testimony

February 3, 2013

            Today is fast Sunday, and yes of coarse we are praying and fasting that we will be able to have a live and healthy baby. I think we have been praying and fasting for this non-stop since 2010. 

            My mom and my 88-year-old grandmother (who doesn't look or act a day over 50) surprised me and came to church with us today. As I sat there in sacrament with my family, my heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest, I kept telling myself,

“No Jessica you do not need to get up and embarrass yourself and bare your testimony”.

“No don’t do it… no no no”

“Oh great, now you’re getting up and walking to the podium”. 

“Way to go, now there is no turning back”.

“Well Mr. pounding in my heart and spirit you got me up here, now what are you going to do”?

“Do you even know what you are going to say.... nope”.

“Well, now you’re up buttercup”. 

“Ahhh here goes nothing"!

            When I was little and all growing up I never wanted to get married or have kids. I wanted to get my degree and be a successful businesswoman and move to New York and live the dream life…that is until I met Jay. Then everything changed. I wanted what my grandparents had. My grandma and grandpa have six children, 23 grandchildren and countless great-grandchildren. I finally in my life knew what I truly wanted and that was posterity like theirs. I believe there are 62 in the family and impressively enough my grandma personally knows and calls every one of them on their birthday. She is amazing!!

I wanted what my grandparents had. I wanted more than anything to have a large family and a big posterity. So, we quickly had Elyse and then14 months later we had Jace. Then once again shortly after we had Jace I became pregnant with Baby Cord (Cordell named after my grandpa). However, when I was 5 ½ months pregnant with baby Cord we received the most heartbreaking news any couple could hear. And that was that our sweet little baby would not survive outside my womb. To say we were devastated would be an understatement. Sadly, I don’t remember having baby cord or holding him or cradling him. Some of what I remember is being in excruciating pain for days, jay fainting at all the blood, and me collapsing as we were leaving the hospital. I will one day write down my whole hellacious death experience but it would be more like a novel then an entree so ill have to skip it for now.

            Then we lost Kimball, McKay and our little girl. All I wanted were more children so Elyse and Jace could have a lot of siblings like my mother had, but all we kept having were more funerals L

“Heavenly Father why is this so hard, it’s a righteous desire and    yet our precious babies keep dying”. My heart was broken.

            I remember all growing up we would always have family gatherings. At the end of each gathering my grandpa would ask if any of us would like a priesthood blessing. This became one of my favorite traditions. My grandparents were a true living example of the scripture that says, “And we ^atalk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we ^bprophesy of Christ, and we write according to our prophecies, that our ^cchildren may know to what source they may look for a ^dremission of their sins”. (2 Nephi 25:26)

And then it hit me! My eyes filled with tears and my heart was ready to burst. The best and greatest gift that I could give Elyse and Jace (was not more siblings, although my heart longed for more children) but the best gift I could give them is what my grandparents gave me and that is a testimony of My Savior Jesus Christ. And what better and more treasured gift that I could give my kids than that. And I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

My mom and I

My amazing grandparents!!