Cleft Lip and Palate

November 2011, Cleft Lip and Palate

I was in shock. Kim got herself dressed and Jay went to go get the cars. I couldn’t talk. I showed no emotion as if I was frozen in time. I somehow managed to pull myself together enough to give Kim a hug (I didn’t want her to know that I was upset, because I didn’t want to upset her) and watched her drive away. As I got in our car to go home my once frozen and emotionless body quickly began to melt and I let out blood curdling screams and endless tears. I couldn’t talk. All I could do was cry, scream and cry some more.

You see, I was born with a rather sever cleft lip and palate.

All I could feel was the intense guilt that I had done this to him. I knew what his life was going to be like because I lived it everyday. Thinking of all the countless, painful, surgeries that he would have to go through just made me sobbing and immovable on the floor. I was shocked and heartbroken once again for my sweet little innocent baby. It was as if I have sentenced him to a painful and miserable life. I completely lost it. I wouldn’t talk to my family and I barely talked to Jay. I was so ashamed and mad at myself. I felt that this was my fault. I knew that being born with a cleft lip and palate that there was a chance that I could pass it on to my baby. I felt like I had sentenced him to death.

When I was just a baby and all growing up I would have surgery after surgery. It seemed each surgery that the doctors did would fail and so they would have to reschedule to do the same surgery over again. There was never a surgery that I didn’t have at least twice. The worst surgery was when they did my bone graft. Which meant that they took a bone from my hip and tried to graft it into my gum line to grow bone. I remember I couldn’t talk or walk for a month and the pain was horrendous. But, you guessed it, it didn’t work so they did it again and it still didn’t work. Every surgery was emotionally and physically draining and painful.

When it came time to go to the hospital I would kick and punch all the doctors and nurses that were trying to sedate me. They usually had to all gang up and hold and tie me down. I would not give up without a fight. This made me became such a fighter at a very young age.

Every break from school, such as, thanksgiving, Christmas and all of my summers were spent in the hospitals having surgeries and then recovering from them.

I remember one summer day all of my cousins, brother and sisters were going to Lagoon. I sat at the window and cried as they drove away. I couldn’t go because I just had surgery and I had to lie as low as possible so my stiches wouldn’t come undone. I remember as I watched them pull away I cried and for the first time I said to myself, “heavenly father why, why does life have to be so hard and painful”? “It’s just too hard”. “I can’t do this anymore”.

I had a pity party for myself that day and then after I gave myself a good talking to in the mirror. “Jessica buck up”. “You are not the only one in this world with problems”. “Some people can’t even see, hear, walk, talk etc. I was grateful; although I was sent to earth with this birth defect I was also sent with an amazing, outgoing, strong, and stubborn personality. I am forever grateful for this because without it I would never have got through elementary let alone high school.  And after that for many, many years I never showed my true emotions. Having this birth defect affected me, But I was much too prideful and thought I was strong and I’m fine and there is nothing wrong with me when deep inside I was crying.

 I have never talked about my cleft lip or palate or how it ever affected me. I thought I had to be strong. I did have to be strong. After surgeries I didn’t have time to wallow in self-pity. I had to get up the next day, go to school and face my peers with stiches and bandages and all. I would tell myself that I was strong and I was fine and this is my life. I would never let my family, friends or anyone for that matter know how I truly felt. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t survive this world. However inside I never wanted anyone to know how I really felt and that was sad.

Why write about this now? Well, if anyone is out there that has a birth defect or thinks they are not good enough…you are. You are a child of our Heavenly Father and I believe you were given this life because you were strong enough to live it!

Now getting back to the twins. I scheduled an appointment with fetal foto (across from the IMC) to get a 3D image of baby B to see how bad his birth defect was. However, when the technician did the ultrasound, baby B’s umbilical cord was covering his face. For the first time I was able to see my babies in color. I don’t know why but it just felt more real. Instead of black and white aliens they were my sweet beautiful little baby boys. I was in love, birth defect or not. After the appointment I researched for hours upon hours the best re-constructive surgeons that specialized in Cleft Lips and Palates. I even made an appointment to go in and have my first meeting with them. Yes my baby had a Cleft Lip and Palate but I promised him that I would get the best team of doctors there was. He was going to get the best care possible.

For the first time, I stopped crying everyday and began to focus all my attention on getting ready for the twins, such as, but certainly not limited to, buying hundreds of diapers and wipes, cribs, mattresses, baby bedding, painting and decorating the nursery, buying clothes, blankets, shoes etc. I for the first time since I found out about the birth defect was excited that we were going to have twins and I was going to be their mommy!!

My Twins!! :)