Our letter to baby Cord 2010

We go in for our 16 week ultrasound on Jace’s birthday which is this Wednesday, May 1^st. This ultrasound will hopefully be able to tell us if this baby has kidneys or not. So many emotions and thoughts are racing through my mind as I reflect back to the day that we found out that our sweet baby Cord would not be joining us in this earthly life. I feel impressed to share a personal letter that we wrote to him the day we found out this sad news.

September 2010

Dear Baby Teeny,

Words cannot describe, nor can our emotions ever adequately demonstrate, the amount of love that we feel for you. We feel an overwhelming sense of loss and grief. Consequently, we similarly feel feelings of gratitude, peace, and hope. We just wanted you to know some of the promises the Lord gave to you, and to us, today during a blessing given by me (your father) to your mom. We arrived home from the hospital around 11 a.m.. To say that we were devastated by the news that you would not be joining us in our earthly life would be a gross understatement. After quietly pondering, weeping, and praying for acceptance, your mother asked that I give her a blessing. I had already felt the Lord giving me answers a few minutes before she asked me to give the blessing. Sometimes, I am at a loss for words when I give blessings. Not this time.

“The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away” were words that I never really understood until now. Those were the first words that came to my mind. We understood that all of our blessings come from Heavenly Father. One of the greatest blessings we have ever had was the opportunity to conceive and create a body for you. It quickly came to my mind, from the Lord, that your mission is not an earthly one- but a divine heavenly calling, to serve alongside your grandfathers who passed before you. It also came to me that you will be a part of our family forever. We went to the temple today to seek answers for how we should proceed after we heard the news that you would not be able to survive outside of your mom. A huge part of the comfort we feel now is that we will be together again someday, as a family. We feel grateful that you do not have to pass the test of this earthly life. That you don’t have to face the sorrows, trials, and difficulties of this life. The knowledge that you get to live directly with Heavenly Father again gives us much comfort. It also came to both of us that Heavenly Father needs you. He needs you up with him performing His work and teaching His children in the spirit world. Our decision to send you back to live with our Heavenly Father sooner, rather than 15 weeks from now, has been the hardest decision we’ve ever had to make. But, we know that is the will of the Lord. As much as we want to keep you here with us for a while longer, we know that the Lord needs you.

Another part of your blessing that came to me is that the Lord has accepted our sacrifice. In the temple we all make a covenant to live the law of consecration. Or that we will give all the Lord has given us, even our own lives if necessary, to build and sustain the kingdom of God. We know that this extends to children. The greatest sacrifice that we will ever have to make is giving you back to Heavenly Father. We will miss and think about you every day. But, the knowledge that you will be with Heavenly Father, helping to build his kingdom, makes it all worth it.

We know from the scriptures that the Lord sends angels to help his children get through difficult times and to testify of Jesus Christ. A strong impression I received during the blessing was that you would be watching out for our family from the other side of the veil. We need you. Elyse and Jace especially will need you as they go throughout their lives. Please watch over us as we try to make the right decisions and live righteous lives.

Another part of a blessing I gave to your mom a few days ago was that we know that you will be healed. For some reason, you did not have any kidneys and functioning lungs. We know that at that glorious day when the Lord comes again to the Earth that you will be resurrected and brought up with us to live once more. Through the power of the atonement, your body will be made perfect. We know that we are making the right decision. Part of the reason for writing this letter to you is to remind us that we are doing the right thing- no matter what Satan may tell us in the future. We love you. We miss you. Whenever we attend the temple we will remember this day as we sat with you in the celestial room- knowing that we will see you again someday. We now give you back to that God who gave you life. Thank you for staying with us for this short season. We will always be together and we will see you soon. Until we meet again…

                                                                              Love,

                                                                              Mom and Dad

Kimmi's Komments

Kimmi’s Komments

How do you feel?

I do not feel good. I think I have a kidney infection. I have a UTI and a yeast infection and I have allergies really bad. I am miserable and want rub my eyes off.

Jessica-Ok, ya, so I guess we’re not holding back.

What changes are you experiencing?

Breasts are very sore and getting larger.

My son Cabhan said, “Mom, maybe the baby is blowing up balloons and that’s what is making your boobs bigger”,

Jessica- “lol lol lol, I’m on the floor laughing”!!

My hips were getting quite large from the 2 cc's of progesterone in olive oil (more like peanut butter) that I had to inject everyday for the first trimester. OUCH!

How do your kids feel about you carrying Jessica’s baby?

They like to take care of me. They are tired of me being so tired all the time.

They give me hugs to see if they can still put their arms around me.

They are very excited to have me be pregnant

Last night I was so miserable I asked them whom they would go live with if I died?

I think they said Angie then Jessica then of course their dad.

What do you crave?

Sleep

Nothing

Fruit

Carmel apples from kneaders

Chocolate dipped strawberries

I don’t crave Diet Dr. Pepper cherry anymore. That tastes gross.

Water only tastes good

Do you have morning sickness?

I have thrown up a good ten times. Sometimes Zofran helps me not get so sick.

I got the stomach flu from Jessica, threw up constantly…yuck!

More sick at night

Very tired in the morning

How do people treat you?

They think I’m stupid and crazy.

Other people say I could never do that.

Many people ask me if I’m worried about when the baby comes and not wanting to give it away. I tell them I’m in therapy weekly.

Most people are excited about it

How are the shots and meds?

They are done now.

I’m starting progesterone 1x a week to help prevent early preterm labor

Are you nervous? Why?

Yes, I want a healthy baby. I want what I want and its hard to turn it all over to God and accept his will.

Do you think it’s a boy or girl?

I’ve had dreams that it’s a girl but it was born early but she still lived.

When are you due?

October 17 2013

Are you tired?

Yes all the time

Are you happy?

My kids would say no that I’m tired all the time and never want to play anymore

Are you sad?

Um, I’m definitely more emotional and clingy and messy. I let things go that I didn’t used to mostly because I’m so tired.

Would you do this for anyone else?

No. I could not do it for anyone else. I could never do it if I knew that I would never see the baby again. Since I work with Jess, and I’m her sister, I’ll get to see the baby all the time 

How much do you love Jessica?

This should be common knowledge

How much do you love jay (he did this to you)

There are no words…lol

How is your life going?

Now that I’m starting the 2^nd trimester hopefully I should be feeling better. Yay!!

How can Jessica help you more?

Watch my kids

Let me sleep at work

Be nice to me

Take my kids to DL come with me

Jessica-“done and done”!

How can Jay help you?

Give me money…lol

Buy me food,(Its cheap and it feeds me, inside joke….lol)

He did my divorce for me and I’m so grateful for that!

When should we get maternity clothes?

Maybe next month

Where do you see yourself in three years?

Not pregnant

In school or done with school

Living happily ever after

Best

Selflessly being able to carry and grow a baby for my sister who could not otherwise have a baby.

Worst

Losing the twins. I think about them everyday

Someone’s comment to me (Kim)

I just think anybody that has a baby now a day is selfish because why would you bring a child into this world. I think that is so selfish

Kim says its selfish not to have one

Jessica- “The worst thing you can do to a child is deny them birth”

What else would you like to tell people?

Pray everyday that this baby will be healthy

How does it feel carrying another person’s baby?

It’s definitely more stressful caring someone else’s baby. It’s more pressure if something goes wrong. I feel responsible. Luckily, Jessica doesn’t call me all the time to see what I’ve had to eat that day or what I should and should not be doing. This helps me not be so stressed

How would you say your life has changed?            

I watch everything that goes into my mouth, every move I make…

It’s very different after losing the twins how much you are aware of things and how much you appreciate things. I have a different frame of mind because of losing the boys.

Jessica-“Thanks Kim, that interview went great”!

             “You are amazing, and I love you very much”!!!

13 weeks

Pregnancy Scare

April 3^rd 2013

This week was spring break, which meant that it was perfect timing for the stomach flu….Not!!

My sister's (Angie) kids had the flu and then gave it to my kids, which then gave it to me. Of all times to share this is the time they pick grr. I haven’t been that sick since I was pregnant with baby Cord in 2010. In the last 10 hours I have thrown up about seven times. Ahhh I was miserable and just wanted to die. If I didn’t know any better I would say that I was pregnant.

I had waited three long weeks for this appointment and of all days today is the day that I couldn’t get my head out of the toilet long enough to even look up let alone go with Kim to our 12 week doctor apt. and I certainly did not want to give this to her or the baby. So I made sure and stayed far away from her.

Jay was in court all day so luckily my dad was able to go with Kim to her appointment. I laid on the bathroom floor as they put the phone on speaker so I could hear what was going on. I couldn’t hear much but it seemed like everything was going good. They said they could see the feet, arms, head etc… I am so elated and it seemed every thing was good.

April 4^th 2013

However, the next day I finally was back on my feet. And as we all know when moms are sick nothing gets done. So off to the bank, library, Wal-Mart and Costco we went. We were out of everything mostly food. During the day Kim had phoned and texted a few times seeing how I was feeling and if I was coming into work.

As I was putting the groceries away Kim had phoned again but I was unable to answer it. It was around 2:00p.m, which is my favorite time of day because its “quiet time” which means the babies and I take a little nap in my room. I know that with Ely being 5 and Jace 4 I fear that our "quite time" will end but for right now I treasure this time I have with my babies. I remember when I was little, my mom and I, everyday at one o clock (when I was off track) would take a nap on the couch while watching Matlock.

Now I like to think that I carry on the tradition :)!!

The babies were pretty much a sleep when I decided to call Kim back. She asked if I had received her message, I said no. She then began to tell me that she had been bleeding and the doctor’s office wanted her to go straight to the hospital. She kept talking but I was frozen and fell to my knees. I some how managed to mumble the words saying that I would meet her at the hospital. By now I was in tears and the babies were wondering what was wrong. We all knelt on the floor and prayed that Kim and the baby would be ok.

Luckily, as I was driving up to the hospital Trudy was downtown and was able to meet me so that she could watch the kids.

So there we all were Jay, Kim, myself, Trudy, Braxton, Elyse and Jace. Trudy said that we have to stop meeting each other at the hospital for once. Lol

It seemed like we waited forever in the waiting room. They should call it the “one hour and then some room” just to make it more truthful…lol

Finally they called us back. We unfortunately had been in this position before. I tried to keep the tears from my eyes and stay strong for Kim. I held her hand as I also held Jay’s. I don’t think I breathed the whole time.

Kim said that on the way to the hospital she was thinking she was going to have to get a D&C like Nikki had back in August.

As soon as the Tech started the ultrasound we could immediately see the baby kicking up a storm. He (no I don’t know the sex, but I say it’s a boy so I’ll call it a He) was very active and his heartbeat was 175. Ahh, we were able to breath a little. The tech began to say that it looked like the placenta was detaching from the uterus a bit which might be causing the bleeding. We asked how serious this was. She said that she has seen women have major placenta detachment and they carried their baby’s to full term and then others very minimal and they miscarried. Hmm that didn’t help at all. Basically she said you could or could not miscarry. 

However, for the first time, Jay and I were able to see our precious little baby moving, turning and kicking. I wish we could have stopped time for a moment. For now we have to have "faith not fear" that everything will work as god has intended it to be. Yes of course we pray our hearts out that our baby will be healthy and be born at the right time but more importantly we have to pray that we may accept heavenly fathers will.

So, instead of a D&C (thank goodness) we went shopping. That makes everything better....right? We got Kim a way cute purse, since her purse was stolen, and she bought a way cute Easter dress that she can totally wear while pregnant, success :)!!

I will try and put pictures on the blog from the dvd they gave us tomorrow.

11 Weeks Pregnant

 Porcelain Throne :(

 Jay (pretending to be a doctor) and Kimmi

 12 Weeks Pregnant!