Cleft Lip and Palate

November 2011, Cleft Lip and Palate

I was in shock. Kim got herself dressed and Jay went to go get the cars. I couldn’t talk. I showed no emotion as if I was frozen in time. I somehow managed to pull myself together enough to give Kim a hug (I didn’t want her to know that I was upset, because I didn’t want to upset her) and watched her drive away. As I got in our car to go home my once frozen and emotionless body quickly began to melt and I let out blood curdling screams and endless tears. I couldn’t talk. All I could do was cry, scream and cry some more.

You see, I was born with a rather sever cleft lip and palate.

All I could feel was the intense guilt that I had done this to him. I knew what his life was going to be like because I lived it everyday. Thinking of all the countless, painful, surgeries that he would have to go through just made me sobbing and immovable on the floor. I was shocked and heartbroken once again for my sweet little innocent baby. It was as if I have sentenced him to a painful and miserable life. I completely lost it. I wouldn’t talk to my family and I barely talked to Jay. I was so ashamed and mad at myself. I felt that this was my fault. I knew that being born with a cleft lip and palate that there was a chance that I could pass it on to my baby. I felt like I had sentenced him to death.

When I was just a baby and all growing up I would have surgery after surgery. It seemed each surgery that the doctors did would fail and so they would have to reschedule to do the same surgery over again. There was never a surgery that I didn’t have at least twice. The worst surgery was when they did my bone graft. Which meant that they took a bone from my hip and tried to graft it into my gum line to grow bone. I remember I couldn’t talk or walk for a month and the pain was horrendous. But, you guessed it, it didn’t work so they did it again and it still didn’t work. Every surgery was emotionally and physically draining and painful.

When it came time to go to the hospital I would kick and punch all the doctors and nurses that were trying to sedate me. They usually had to all gang up and hold and tie me down. I would not give up without a fight. This made me became such a fighter at a very young age.

Every break from school, such as, thanksgiving, Christmas and all of my summers were spent in the hospitals having surgeries and then recovering from them.

I remember one summer day all of my cousins, brother and sisters were going to Lagoon. I sat at the window and cried as they drove away. I couldn’t go because I just had surgery and I had to lie as low as possible so my stiches wouldn’t come undone. I remember as I watched them pull away I cried and for the first time I said to myself, “heavenly father why, why does life have to be so hard and painful”? “It’s just too hard”. “I can’t do this anymore”.

I had a pity party for myself that day and then after I gave myself a good talking to in the mirror. “Jessica buck up”. “You are not the only one in this world with problems”. “Some people can’t even see, hear, walk, talk etc. I was grateful; although I was sent to earth with this birth defect I was also sent with an amazing, outgoing, strong, and stubborn personality. I am forever grateful for this because without it I would never have got through elementary let alone high school.  And after that for many, many years I never showed my true emotions. Having this birth defect affected me, But I was much too prideful and thought I was strong and I’m fine and there is nothing wrong with me when deep inside I was crying.

 I have never talked about my cleft lip or palate or how it ever affected me. I thought I had to be strong. I did have to be strong. After surgeries I didn’t have time to wallow in self-pity. I had to get up the next day, go to school and face my peers with stiches and bandages and all. I would tell myself that I was strong and I was fine and this is my life. I would never let my family, friends or anyone for that matter know how I truly felt. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t survive this world. However inside I never wanted anyone to know how I really felt and that was sad.

Why write about this now? Well, if anyone is out there that has a birth defect or thinks they are not good enough…you are. You are a child of our Heavenly Father and I believe you were given this life because you were strong enough to live it!

Now getting back to the twins. I scheduled an appointment with fetal foto (across from the IMC) to get a 3D image of baby B to see how bad his birth defect was. However, when the technician did the ultrasound, baby B’s umbilical cord was covering his face. For the first time I was able to see my babies in color. I don’t know why but it just felt more real. Instead of black and white aliens they were my sweet beautiful little baby boys. I was in love, birth defect or not. After the appointment I researched for hours upon hours the best re-constructive surgeons that specialized in Cleft Lips and Palates. I even made an appointment to go in and have my first meeting with them. Yes my baby had a Cleft Lip and Palate but I promised him that I would get the best team of doctors there was. He was going to get the best care possible.

For the first time, I stopped crying everyday and began to focus all my attention on getting ready for the twins, such as, but certainly not limited to, buying hundreds of diapers and wipes, cribs, mattresses, baby bedding, painting and decorating the nursery, buying clothes, blankets, shoes etc. I for the first time since I found out about the birth defect was excited that we were going to have twins and I was going to be their mommy!!

My Twins!! :)

Ultrasound of the Twins

November 2011

Next step…. find an OBGYN.

We wanted to deliver at the Intermountain Medical Center (“IMC”). Why you might ask…because they saved my life in 2010 and they are the best. The Utah Fertility Clinic recommended Dr. Terry at the IMC.

Kim and I were like two giddy schoolgirls. We didn’t waste anytime. On our way home from the UFC we called Dr. Terry’s office and made our first appointment!! Oddly enough my cousin and her family all went to him and they had nothing but good things to say. It took about 30 minutes to explain our unique situation, and I still don’t think the front office really understood. I don’t blame them. This wasn’t a normal typical pregnancy that you hear about everyday.

 I kept thinking to myself, “Wow, is this really happening”? “Kim is really carrying our twins”?! It still all felt so surreal. “We are going to have twins”, I kept repeating in my mind!! Yay, we all were overwhelmed with excitement and pure joy. Jay, on the other hand was shocked. For the first few minutes he didn’t even move. All he could think about was “How was he going to afford twins, and their college and etc.…”.  I have to laugh because I don’t think Jay moved for a solid minute when we first found out…Lol

After all the months of praying, fasting, driving to the clinic everyday, planning, getting prepped, poked and prodded, medications, injections, thousands upon thousands of dollars, getting OHSS (ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome, and feeling miserable). We were able to get pregnant with TWINS.

Our first Appointment with Dr. Terry was when we were about 12 weeks along. As they took us back they were dying to know why Jay, myself, and (pregnant) Kim, where all there. What a weird place for a family reunion they must have thought. I just had to laugh. I began telling the nurses all the horrible events that had happened in

September and October of 2010 and then explained to them that now Kim was unselfishly carrying our twins for us. They all began to cry and were just in awe.

We then met with Dr. Terry and told him our whole story again and why we were there today. He was a very nice, positive, experienced doctor, and we loved that about him. We were in good hands. At the end of the first appointment I asked if we could have an ultrasound at 15 weeks to see if these babies had Potters Syndrome (no kidneys or functioning lungs), like baby Cord had. Dr. Terry said usually they don’t do the big ultrasounds until week 20 but in this case they would do a big ultrasound at 15 and then again at 20 weeks. I was scared but also set at ease. If our twins did have Potters Syndrome we would find out at 15 weeks instead of 23 weeks when we found out with baby Cord.

The next few weeks were torturous. I couldn’t sleep and I had no appetite. I prayed, and fasted that our twins would be ok.

The morning of the exam I had a panic attack and Jay luckily was able to calm me down. The technician took us back and almost didn’t do the ultrasound because it was too soon. With my heart racing Jay told the tech what had happened to our last baby and that we were only checking to see if they had kidneys. She thankfully agreed and began the ultrasound.

And just like that there they were up on the monitor. I held my breath until the technician told us that our babies did not have Potters Syndrome. I think that was the first time I remember being able to breath for weeks. I was finally set at ease. It was love at first sight as we saw them turn, flip, hit each other(lol) and swam all around. I of course had to ask if she could tell us the sex of the babies. She said that it was too early to tell but if she had to guess baby A was a boy and baby B was also a boy. We all were ecstatic but I think Jay was a little more excited as he was already picturing coaching their baseball games. Lol.

Just before we left I asked the nurse one more question. “Can you tell if either of the boys have a cleft lip and palate”. Surprised at the question, she again said it was still too early to be for sure but she thought that baby B had a cleft lip…I couldn’t breath!!

Get Ready...Get Set...Here We Go....!!!

It’s 2:00am on February 9, 2013 and, of course, I cannot sleep. I am ecstatic!! I know we are only three weeks pregnant but I never, ever thought we would get another chance to have the Utah Fertility Clinic call and say Kim was carrying our baby again. I think after that we must have taken about 12 pregnancy tests, yes 12 pg tests just to make sure we were pregnant. We received the phone call when we were at work. You should have heard all of us scream for joy!! I think the whole building was wondering what was going on. A few minutes after we found out the good news (I ran into the bathroom) I dropped to my knees and started to pray and thank my heavenly father for giving us another chance. I promised Him I would do everything on my part to bring this baby back home to him!

I heard once that a mother would do anything to get her children here on earth. So, for the last three years that is what I have done, to the point of becoming obsessed with having another baby. So, let me clarify, having another baby is good, becoming obsessed with having another baby is bad.

I contacted LDS family services and we began the grueling process for adoption and filling out all the paper work, back ground checks, physical exams, money, interview after interview, adoption classes, a home study and much much more.

In July of 2011 we finally had completed all of the steps for adoption and now our profile was ready to go public. I was so excited and nervous at the same time. Now it was just a waiting game for someone to pick us…No Pressure or Anything!!! Yikes

Here is where the obsession comes in. The same time that we put our adoption papers in we also had our first appointment with the Utah Fertility Clinic and began our first journey into a whole new world…I like to call it the “ IVF world”.

Shortly after we put our adoption papers in our caseworker said that it could take at lest three years to adopt a child. Ugh, I didn’t like the sound of that and my heart began to sink. However, to my surprise shortly after our papers were in we received a letter from an expected teen mom (about seventeen) in July of 2011. Her name was Shea Lynn and the dad’s name was McKay. She was considering placing her baby girl up for adoption. I was beyond Thrilled. We wrote back and forth to each other many times and then started texting and talking on the phone. About a month from her due date we arranged to meet Shea Lynn and McKay.

As they walked in the room my heart stopped as I saw her cute little round tummy. Right then I had a flashback of when I was last pregnant and delivering our angel, baby Cord, after 27+ hours of intense and excruciation painful labor (because I was internally bleeding the whole time) and then my horrific death experience. Even though having baby Cord killed me, literally, I would do it again in a second if I could.

Oh, how I longed to be pregnant.

How I longed to have a round tummy and be able to feel a blessed child of god kicking in my womb.

I wanted to cry and scream as I touched my empty womb?

“Ahh, no Jessica you are fine, snap out of it, ok, yes, you can do this, pull yourself together”.

And with that I fought back my tears and emotions and started doing what I do best, entertaining Shea Lynn and McKay and asking endless questions about them. I mean, who doesn’t like to talk about themselves, right? Right.

We must have talked for hours with them but finally it was time to go. As they drove away I finally was able to show my emotions and I burst into tears.

“Did she even realize how lucky she is that she is able to get pregnant and have it be healthy”? I just cried and cried and had an overwhelming feeling that we would never see them again. In the end Shea Lynn decided to keep her baby girl. I was heartbroken and very depressed but I could not blame her. I looked at Elyse and thought to myself, “There is no way I could have given Ely up for adoption. I truly admire and think the world of courageous girls that place their babies up for adoption. But, I was still devastated and cried and cried for days on end and felt myself slipping into major depression.

However, and thankfully, the same time as we were talking to Shea Lynn we were also at the Utah Fertility Clinic starting to undergo IVF treatments with my sister Kim.

Why Kim you ask? Well there was just one problem with Jay and I doing IVF…. I had no uterus and I’m pretty sure that is frowned upon when you are trying to get pregnant. So Kim, being the amazing and selfless sister that she is volunteered, Yes you heard me right she happily volunteered to carry our baby in her womb. That right there is the true example of Christ.

On a side note, I can’t talk about Kim without first talking about my oldest sister Angie. Ill talk more about this in an other entry but When I came home from the hospital in 2010 I was basically cut from my clavicle to my pubic bone. I was in excruciating pain. I could not go home because they did not want me to go up and down stairs so I had to go to my mom’s house where Angie and her family were living there as well. Angie was my angel. She cooked for me, and those of you who know me I am a very picky eater, but she would ask me what I wanted and then she would make it just like that. For three months I could not lift anything over 5 yes 5 pounds!! Angie not only cooked for me but also did everything for me. She took care of Elyse and Jace along with her own four children! She did our laundry, cooking, cleaning, driving me here and there (because the doctors said I could not drive for three months) and so much more. She did this for three months without one single complaint. If anybody wants an image of the true meaning of Christ it would be her. I just want you (Angie) to know how much I truly love you. You are my angel!!

In September we found out the best news of all, and that was that Kim my sister, was pregnant with our biological baby.  To say we were excited and thrilled would be a great understatement. As we went to the UFC for the six-week ultrasound we were astonished to see two sacs. Kim and I both started screaming with delight as Jay stood there confused. “What does this mean?” Jay asked, Ann Marie, the nurse. And before she could answer him Kim and I both shouted, “We are having twins”. Jay was about to pass out..Lol!

To give a little background at the Utah Fertility Clinic they implanted two embryos with an 80% chance one would take and a 20% chance that we could get twins.

It looked like the odds were finally in our favor. Oh my goodness we are having twins. This is better than good knew this is like a dream come true. It was almost a year to the day that I had died and now we were expecting twins!! After all the (well I’m just going to say it) HELL I went through and now to be expecting twins, my heart was so full. Jay and I were beyond thrilled, humbled, and felt very blessed and thanked our Heavenly Father!

The way it works at the UFC (who are the best fertility clinic in Utah) is 8 days after they implant you they draw your blood to test for the HCG levels and then the 10-day they draw your blood again to see if the HCG levels doubled and if they did that means you are clinically pregnant. Then they do ultrasounds at about six and ten weeks to confirm the pregnancy. Once this is done and the pregnancy looks good they release you to go and see your regular OB/GYN.

It was a sad and happy moment for us. Sad, that we would not see Dr. Foulk or the amazing staff everyday but exciting that we were ready to move on to the next step. Yes, you know us; we had to take pictures of our last day at the clinic. It was definitely a bittersweet moment.

Of course we had to do what we do best....take pictures!!

Kim getting ready for the ultrasound

Jay and I getting ready for the ultrasound

Kim and I so excited

Kim, Marray, Ann Marie, Jess

Jess, Dr. Foulk, Kim

Our beautiful twins!!

Next step.....find an OBGYN!!:)

Results are in

The Results are in.........

Blood Draw

February 8, 2013
(Trudy, my aunts birthday, happy birthday!!)
Today is the big day. Marray (who is "Amazing, and pregnant herself with TRIPLETS, yay so excited for her!!!) is drawing Kim's blood. This test will will tell us if Kim is clinically pregnant or not. Fingers, leg, arms, eyes are all crossed hoping for a positive result!! EEEEEEE! The clinic will hopefully be calling soon with the results......stay tuned....over and out :)

Embryo Transfer Day

January 29, 2013

Last night I cried all night. I miss baby Cord, Kimball, McKay, and our girl. I re-listened to Bowen's conference talk this last October. He talks about how he lost his sixth child and third son by him aspirating on a piece of chalk. I cried all through his talk. People have asked me, "how long did it take you to get over all of your babies"? I had to agree (with Brother Bowen), and say "I never will get over them until we all all once reunited again up in heaven". I pray that they may be here today and guide the doctors hands in implanting Kim with our baby. Im very grateful, nervous and scared!!

Kim on the other hand is a ecstatic, excited, and she can't wait to carry our child again! She is a saint!!

I've never met anyone more excited to become pregnant with her sisters child. Words cant express the gratitude i feel for my her.

The implant happened at 2:30pm at the clinic. They gave Kim a valium before the procedure so that her uterus as well as herself would be relaxed. "Can I get some too Doc? (Lol) My nerves were about shot! We chose the best quality embryo from the 12 that developed after the fertilization and then Dr. Foulk performed the embryo transfer. We decided to transfer one embryo this time around, because of the high risks that multiples have. I made the mistake of asking what the percentages were by transferring one embryo. If you implant two embryos you get an 80% chance that one will take and a 20% chance will you will get twins.  So by transferring one embryo we had a 45% chance!! Ahhh, I tried not to panic and think there was a less than half percent of it working. I was freaking our inside.!!

Now comes the hardest part of all- the ten day wait until we find out of Kim is clinically pregnant. 

Here's some video the day of the transfer

The Inspection Injection

This is a short video of me giving Kim a shot. If shots or needles make you queazy you may not want to watch this video.....(including and my be limited to Jay....lol lol)

We like to call this film "The Inspection Injection" TAKE ONE
starring Kim and Jessica